Living in my head

I am definitely a planner. Read a bunch of books about weddings before planning mine. Read a ton about buying a house, imagined being a landlord, before doing it.

When I was young, I imagined “worst case scenarios.” And how I would get out of them. What if I was trapped in the bathroom and the house started on fire?  Hmmmm. Okay, I would just keep the water running, and it would keep  me cool and protect me because it’s water. Man, was I bummed when I found out I would have been boiled alive.

I picture my life with x happening. What would that be like? How would I feel? How would I cope?

It’s also how I manage my anxiety–do something, read something.

I am trying to practice “sitting with my anxiety.” So what? So what if I don’t know the answer? I have the rest of my life to figure it out.

Part of living in my head now, is imagining what it would be like to have different experiences. Talks between Croi and I often include, “If there was a kid in the backseat right now…” “Do you think a kid would eat this dinner?”

That’s why I love all of your blogs so much. It is a way for me to imagine the struggles and how they would effect me or what I would do about it.

One of my favorite ones for this is ourgrowingfamily. She is warm, open, insightful, thoughtful, intentional, and remains positive. I’ve met her in real life and she’s every bit as nice as you think. Hearing the real-life struggles of those who do what I aspire to make me think that maybe it’s possible for me as well. She’ll hate me saying this, but she’s a real-life hero. I mean her outlook is amazing.

I have given myself permission to begin to acquire a few gender neutral baby things. I’m not sure yet if it’s giving myself permission to think about and FEEL positive things for my future or if it is trying to manage my anxiety by planning–aka control. (Oh, the trouble of perpetual over-thinkers…) Either way, it’s a little fun, and I’m hoping her cloth diapers will add to the collection.  I mean check out these cute bottoms.

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About EratMama

30 something midwestern gal, married to another 30 something midwestern gal, conquering depression, rockin' foster parent.
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3 Responses to Living in my head

  1. Monica says:

    Mommie2be is pretty awesome.

    I think it’s good o have a plan. To think of the worst case, to analyze and overthink when it comes to fostering kids. Chances are if you’ve thought about everything, the kid’ll pull something out you never imagined (example: I never imagined myself yelling into the back yard: “put your p3nis back in your pants and get in the house this instant” Which I just did about an hour ago). If you haven’t begun working through some of the things you may face, you’ll have a whole heap of uninmaginable surprises.

    Hmmmm… I guess that wasn’t very encouraging for you trying to “sit with your anxiety.” Sorry. Maybe I’m a little bit of an overthinker myself 🙂

  2. erathora says:

    You’re pretty awesome yourself, Monica. In fact–I printed out your “list of stuff to have” for new ones in the house. Lists make me feel better.

  3. mommie2be says:

    aww shucks. I dont know what to say. thanks 🙂

    But there’s really nothing terribly unique about me – many people can do this job well if they are willing to walk into the fear. I believe you could do this job very well.

    Have you considered starting with doing respite care? Test-drives are great for planners 🙂

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