Let me go round in circles…

Sometimes I love the phrase “Doubt means Don’t” but I’ve never been able to fully embrace it. Doubt whether you should buy a pair of shoes? Don’t. You don’t really need them. Got it.

But, what about “Feel the fear and do it anyway?” Sometimes, cheesy self-help books will only get you so far.  I am just writing some of this for my own piece of mind and clarity, but this is what I am talking about.

• I used to long to carry a child. What that would be like. What it would feel like to have a little person growing inside of me. I no longer think that would be a wise option. Between passing along something biochemical and the meds I currently take= not a good idea.
• In a twist of fate, L used to not want to carry a child. As her clock is ticking a bit, she’s been having some urges.
• I think if she were pregnant it would be very difficult for me. I would feel like I missed out on something and be jealous.
• It is adoption stories that have always tugged at my heart. Even long before I came out, I always said if my husband and I could not get pregnant, I would adopt.
• I have no doubts that my favorite and I will work these things out. I once would have needed them all figured out, and it would have deeply bothered me if we were not on the same page, paragraph, line, and word, but now, I can truly appreciate where we are and have no doubt we are on the same path.
• ***What I really worry about: How will my mental health effect a child? How will a child/ren effect my mental health?
• Lack of sleep is one of the big triggers of Bi-Polar episodes (I most likely have Treatment Resistant Depression–also called Complicated Depression or Bi-Polar II. If you don’t know–BPII can involve the lows of depression, and the highs are not as pronounced or “high.” “Mixed states” are also common.) I’ve done really well at maintaining a good, but flexible, sleep schedule.
• Um, how do I even think about having kids when my sleep is so precious?
• What effects will this have on my child? A mother with lack of sleep who then starts thinking not-so-clearly is not a good thing.
• Some days, I can barely get dressed to take the dog around the block before reading the Sunday Paper. I look at him and think, “yikes! what if you were a baby?” How would I cope?
• I know most mothers question how good of parents they are. I doubt my abilities at everything. I’m already doubting what kind of mother I will be. Does that mean “don’t do it?” Will I look back and say–you knew how bad it was going to be?
• Or, does it mean, “do it.” You doubt how good you are at many things, and do them well. This mommy guilt is a sign that you should be a mom–look you already have the guilt! You’re built for it.
• How will my mental health history be viewed by Foster/Adoption agencies? How open do I need to be?
• How will my mental health be viewed by other bloggers. I know this is strange to write, but we all compare ourselves to others.  I worry about the “how come she thinks she should have kids?” Look what a mess she is. How come she’s having kids and I’m not… you know the drill.

Thanks for letting me get this all out there.  More positive things tomorrow!